Why I love Human Design
Human Design came into my life in January of 2022, and in a relatively short time I’ve not only put the system through the ringer, I’ve also transformed my person, my relationships, my work, and my life in terms of where I devote my energy—and where I don’t.
I’ve also been able to bring clarity and peace to several internal conflicts that have created trouble for me for decades, both in my relationships and my work.
The five internal conflicts that Human Design empowered me to resolve include:
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To casual bystanders, my career path appears haphazard and random. I've done everything from ISO9000 consulting to conceptualizing and launching a pet wellness site in the late 1990's to designing my short-lived couture line which led to an even shorter presence on Season 3 of Bravo TV's Project Runway to portrait photography.
All my life I felt caught between the deep creative yearnings I felt an immense pressure to express, yet I also had a natural analytical ability that allowed me to see big picture strategy, simplicity where others saw complexity, and pathways to create new value with the tools of a rapidly changing world. But when I focused exclusively in the analytical arena, my heart wept. And when I focused exclusively in the creative arena, my bank account suffered.
I couldn’t figure out why, with the talent and capabilities and drive I had, I was struggling. Why did I have such powerful creative impulses and abilities if I was not to commercialize them? Because, as my chart helped me see, my creative explorations are meant only for me. As a source of unending curiosity, personal discovery, and pleasure. As a source to better understand me. That is it.
Knowing this has helped put my past in perspective, and allowed me to — without sorrow or regret — let go of the pressure or need or fantasy to make my creative explorations make money. I can now focus on where I have great strategic and social impact, my high-stakes, hard-to-tell storytelling studio, humanifesto studios.
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Those who know me, know me to be "fiercely independent." I am fortunate in that I enjoy my own company. I have never married. I do not have children. And I have never genuinely craved either, which is something I have always felt uneasy expressing out loud. There is enormous societal pressure to match everyone up with a mate — and make you feel bad about yourself and your choices if you don't conform. There was a time when I consciously made an effort to want what everyone else seemed to want, but something in my belly knew that I had a life to live for myself first (Individuating Channel of Awakening; Format pressure of Cycles, Channel of Maturation, a Design of Balanced Development).
I needed to learn Spanish, which meant I needed to go to Spain. Not for a week or a month, but for half a year, and then back and forth for a few years as I struggled to find my place between where my life had been and where my soul — inexplicably — wanted to go. I needed to explore what it meant to create a purse and then a garment from idea through execution and learn pattern-making and couture sewing techniques (Channel of Exploration, a Design of Following One’s Convictions). I needed to do things that effectively drained my savings for years, but if I did not do them before making the life-altering commitments of marriage and family, I would become bitter and resentful of the very people I was to love (Undefined Solar Plexus, Gate of Doubt).
I couldn't figure out why it felt so hard for me to commit myself to relationships or a future as a wife and mother when everyone around me seemed to find their mate and procreate so easily (Sacral Authority, Open Ego). It turns out that I'm just not built that way. I have what is called a 4/1 "fixed fate" profile, which means I am here to live out my own path and I am not here to alter it for another. It means that, were I ever to find a mate, that person would pretty much have to want what I want from life.
Not everyone is designed to marry or procreate, and that's okay.
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I love washing the dishes. Like the beloved Thich Nhat Hanh, I find it meditative and pleasurable. These days, whenever I am washing the dishes, I am often overcome with feelings of helplessness and sorrow. I think about the miracle of running water — clean water — as it effortlessly flows out of the tap and onto the sponge, creating soap suds that help preserve a sanitary dining experience every day. And then my mind drifts to Ukraine and thoughts of the horror people just like me are living through as their core civil infrastructure is destroyed. How would I wash my dishes if I did not have running water? How would I use the toilet, if there was no water to flush? How would I wash my clothing or my body, if there was no water for bathing?
And then I think closer to home to the people of Flint, MI, where up to 12,000 children were exposed to lead poisoning in 2014 and it took public policy and leadership three years to address (after several lawsuits and public shaming). Or Jackson, MS, where residents must continue to boil water from the tap before it is safe to drink after storms damaged their local water treatment facility months prior. Or the large quantities of PFAs (per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances commonly known as "forever chemicals"), lead, and arsenic running through municipal water supplies and, as a result, our collective digestive tracts and bloodstreams.
Whether due to a single individual's chosen war to annihilate the peaceful and prosperous democracy next door, or the systemic failure of leadership, corporate greed, and public policy, these problems require great competence, enormous courage, and limitless will to conceptualize and solve them at the highest levels of thought and inspiration to the detailed levels of planning and execution.
Similar to the battle I had between the Creative and the Analytical, I have spent decades struggling with my awareness and sensitivity to the plights and suffering of others (Undefined Solar Plexus, Gate of Friendship), yet I’ve remained unable to mobilize and devote my talent or ambition to take on these enormous challenges (Sacral Authority, Open Ego). Why do I see and feel these things if I am not to put myself in a leadership role to solve them? Why do I feel this pressure to "do good" for society, and simultaneously resist putting myself and my points of view out in the open? Why do I feel guilty that I haven't done "enough" to change the world with my Stanford degree or Harvard MBA (Open Ego, format pressure of cycles) — making money or leading a company or transforming an industry (Juxtaposition Cross of Ambition)?
Because devoting my limited energy to a singular cause when there are so many that need tackling right now to address humanity's very survival is not the most efficient way for me to operate in this world. The better way is to use my talent, my instincts, and my intellect to help those in power who are already tackling these challenges (Individuating Channel of Charisma + Gate of the Game Player/Preponderance of the Great). I have a systemic way of thinking and conceptualizing (Channel of Logic, defining the Head and Ajna) that helps others frame these challenges and their solutions to them in a way that transcends, inspires, and mobilizes multiple audiences — to see, to believe, to think, and to act differently (Channels of Maturation and Transformation).
While many of my peers have gone on to be quite visible in their careers and successes, I am much more comfortable being invisible. It's why I'm an effective partner for the leaders I work with — my interest and focus and joy is always on helping them express their ideas personally, passionately, and powerfully (Empowering Channel of Exploration). I have no desire to be out in front — I prefer to be “the secret weapon” in their toolbox (Gate of the Game Player/Preponderance of the Great; Gate of the Listener/Fellowship of Man).
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I don't want to owe anyone anything. This goes back to a few promises I broke, promises I now know I did not have the skills or capacity to keep (Undefined Ego), and I regret those failures daily and deeply. After 20 years, I remain haunted by a failed Dot.com venture when the first bubble burst in 2000. It does not matter that events were largely out of my control, or that I had sacrificed my own prosperity to keep the organization afloat as long as possible. I am devastated by having set an expectation for people I cared about — and who believed in me — of a purpose, vision, and possibility that no amount of strategic ingenuity or personal will could fulfill.
I also don't want to need anyone (Individuating Channels of Awakening and Charisma, Knowing Channel of Exploration). I don't like feeling beholden to another's grace, good will, or generosity. And while these sentiments sound somewhat misanthropic, they are anything but. I am on a quest to live my highest self, and I don't want to risk behaving in ways that are not genuinely willful (Channel of Awakening, Gates of Contemplation and Behavior of the Self). It's why I don't engage in retainer agreements. My best work results when my creativity and candor are free from feeling coerced or manipulated.
It's why I fear the comfort and complacency that comes with multi-year contracts promising a guaranteed income. I never want to feel the shame of 'phoning it in' or pandering or debasing my points-of-view to accommodate small minds and smaller hearts because 'I have to'. It's why I choose to work for myself. It's why I live modestly. It's why my business partner and I resist growth plans that require us to hire. I need room to say 'no' to projects that don't feel right. I need room to make decisions that are less about my personal needs or fears and more about truth, creative expression, and impact for the greater good.
What I've learned through Human Design is that, while I have been successful creating the conditions that shore up my weaknesses (Open Ego, Undefined Solar Plexus) and reinforce principled decision-making without falling into the traps of pandering or placating, I no longer need the armor of resistance to wanting or needing the support of another. In fact, such resistance is in direct conflict with how opportunities in my life flow and grow (4/1 Opportunist/Investigator).
The storytelling work I do with leaders is purposeful, powerful and life-changing for those who recognize its value. But to many, it can seem esoteric and not 'bottom-line' enough. And while our leads have only ever come through former clients and people we know deeply, it was not until I understood that this was the only way the right people and right work will come into my life (and the life of my business partner, a 4/6 Opportunist/Role Model).
Knowing this has transformed my relationships with those who advocate on our behalf. I now approach every interaction with deep gratitude and reverence. I want them to know that they matter uniquely to me. I want them to know how important they are — not just to me, but to the opportunities they bring my way. That, together, we are changing the world, elevating and amplifying humanity one story at a time.
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I have long believed that all we are is energy — the cumulative energetic input of the sights, sounds, interactions, experiences and nutriment we consume every minute of every day. If that input is healthy and life-giving, our hearts and minds are free. When that input is toxic, so are we. In other words, while consciousness has not yet been proven to have mass, it has been proven to have presence.
I've spent most of my life knowing "I am," because I think. But Human Design is teaching me that I can only really know "I am" by feeling. While I've always had a conscious connection to my intuition or 'sixth sense,' I frequently allowed my mind to silence it when the signals I would pick up about certain people or certain opportunities conflicted with where my mind had a strategic interest to go or a self-preserving interest to protect (Channel of Logic, Open Ego, Undefined Solar Plexus). When I look back at my greatest failures or most shameful moments, I see the same unmistakable pattern. A beautiful, yet dominant mind that reveled in its curiosity, competence, and conclusions, and, when it was convenient to do so, excluded 'intelligence' that could not be proven.
I love my mind. It has provided me a lifetime of entertainment and pleasure and excitement. It has allowed me to do great work for extraordinary people doing extraordinary things.
But the mind has limits.
At best, the mind is a gift for others. At worst, it's a trap for ourselves, manipulating our decision-making processes to avoid exaggerated threats to our existence or to secure an unnecessary 'advantage.' It's trapped in stories of the past about prior pain and failure, and triggers fight or flight mechanisms to defend and protect. After all, that's its job. But we are not obligated to heed its well-intentioned warnings. Instead, we can turn our attention to our deeper awareness, the physical or environmental intelligence that is unique to us, that's always on, and that guides us to the people and situations that are correct for us. This infinite intelligence the mind can never grasp. It is an intelligence that can only be felt.
Learning to make decisions this way, i.e. mechanically, is the most frightening and exciting part of the Human Design experience. This is where transformation happens. It's where the right people and opportunities begin to show up at just the right time. It's where the clarity of being who you are is much more satisfying than pretending to be someone you're not. It's where true love and acceptance of yourself and others grows beyond measure.
Each of us is a unique instance of the entire human race. We are who we are for a reason — to elevate and evolve humanity — and we can only do our part when we're living our design.
